I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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