There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
