last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
