Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
