what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
