my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
