I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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