Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
