I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
The ass gains better be worth it
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
