My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
