I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
