you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
