you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
