im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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