i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
The Olympian is in my bed
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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