I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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