im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Randomize