I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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