you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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