He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
