someone threw a dead crab at me
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
