I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
