i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
