There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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