You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
