We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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