I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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