Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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