i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Randomize
