My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
