i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
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