I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
