giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
