I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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