I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
