cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
