I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
