I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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