did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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