he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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