I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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