So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
