My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
