listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
i drank out of a bidet.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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