does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
