I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
