Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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