You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
