your room smells of hookers.
And success
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
