So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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