this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
