Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
