I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
