His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
