Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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