I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm passing your future prison.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you had me at cake vodka
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
