More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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