So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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